Hello People,
I love this word, “friend.” My wife Emily was on her Facebook page last night, debating the pros and cons of adding certain “friends” (i.e., people who were in her history class when she was 12) into her profile.ÂÂ
Our ”lodger” (Emily’s best friend) Ruth, said that she consistently turned away people with whom she rarely spoke. This was a policy. They weren’t “friends,” really.    ÂÂ
At this point I subtly interjected, “IF I’VE MET THEM, THEY’RE IN!
This comment was completely disregarded. This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows the parties involved.
It’s amazing to watch a word be redefined before our very eyes.  Whereas people talk about words which have changed over decades or centuries, like “charity” or ”meek,” FRIEND has basically changed in a few WEEKS, over THE ENTIRE PLANET, from what is used to mean to what it means now. I’m hesitant to put into WORDS what it used to mean, and certainly won’t risk saying what it means now, because really, NOBODY KNOWS.ÂÂ
I do know that I have “friends” (new) that are not my “friends” (old) but that certainly doesn’t mean they’re NOT my friends (old). They’re something in between, or both, or neither. I think this confusion is at the heart of so much that’s going on with people these days, especially people my age who are disconnected from family, maybe in a relationship, maybe not, maybe living with buddies, maybe not–people are just floating around.
I would say that generally speaking, people don’t mind floating around, as long as it’s their choice to float around, for a while. People generally don’t enjoy waking up one day and realizing, “Man, what am I DOING? I’m just FLOATING AROUND! I never agreed to this!!!”
So what do people do? They CONNECT.  Well, tryto connect. They go on Facebook, or thismysterious site, or Myspace, or Yourspace, or Ourspace, or Hisspace, or Herspace, and they say, “Oooh, he likes rock climbing, loves “24″, hates carrots, and writes unsophisticated, sarcastic blog entries about television shows—it’s the FRIEND I’ve been searching for!!ÂÂ
I like to think of it this way. If I walked around wearing a shirt with all of my likes, dislikes, names of my other friends, pictures of me at costume parties and at the beach, witty vignettes from my other friends, and an invitation to my book club, people would cross to the other side of the street when they saw me coming.
There’s something “sticky” when you share an experience, have a beer, talk about a book or movie, share a meal, whatever, and that “stickiness” is what keeps ”friends” (old) together when life and time and circumstance pulls people apart.
What I’ve discovered, through conversations with Mr. Sam Radford and others, is that in order to build connections around the world, we have to be proactive about ”creating stickiness” with people in a NEW way. There’s a choice here. Either you live in the (old) ”friend” paradigm (my parents, etc), live in the (new) “friend” paradigm (scour the Internet for connections but never leave the house), or choose the best of both paradigms (this is what I’m trying to do). I have ideation by the way, but I never finish things. That’s your job.ÂÂ
My brain hurts now. This is blogging for life, people.  ÂÂ
I love it…some great thoughts. I’m still trying to decide what kind of “friend” I consider you. You’re a “woo” though so you take anyone!
Btw, you can write man! I’m going to get you to write my first book for me!
[…] In the meantime, you need to read this new post by Ryan: Friends forever? […]
That was from me…I was logged in as VOX Sheffield!
ryan, got here via sam’s voxtropolis. it’s funny, i feel like your wife sometimes. when i say friend i mean a lot. it’s hard to commit that way to so many. but in the language of social networks “friend” means something entirely different. it’s a new form of address or phone book. some numbers mean lots and others are just utilitarian–one day i might need this service or use this contact.
i just had an amazing experience. I got here via sam’s blog, like i said. then i went back to vax to look at the next post and it was you. cheers.
Ryan, funny you should write about this. Just yesterday I was on facebook and traveled over to sam’s page, and chantelle’s and rachel’s, and thought, well, there’s emily. I know emily, i should ask her to be my friend too. then i thought, we met once, we’ve not talked since then, she’d probably not think of me as a “friend” to add.
i’ve had a lot of the same questions lately of what is a friend. so is a real friend the ones who make it in your “top 8″, or is it someone you actually see now and then…and keep in touch with outside of witty comments on blogs? do you have to add the girl you went to school with but for the life of you can’t remember her? do you pick up conversations from 10 years ago because you were found on the internet? it is strange! like you said we couldn’t just walk up on the street and break into “hey i’m deana…we had science together…remember when Mrs. Jones made you write 100 times you wouldn’t chew gum in class?” so why do we do it on the internet?
either way, i’m glad i made friends with sam ad rachel and traveled to sheffield and met you and emily and can put a face with the words!
I’m with you Deana. What’s great about the issue is that every decision we make is a small contribution to the shift in the “global lexicon”—in other words we re-define “friend” by our actions.
My biggest fear is that we will DOUBLE friend to suggest “true, intimate comradeship.” I hate “doubling” generally. We’ve all been there when we were 14: “So, do you LIKE him, or do you LIKE HIM like him?” I don’t want friends and FRIEND friends, because eventually I will have triples: FRIEND FRIEND friends, and then it will just be silly. Emily will be my WIFE wife, and we’ll be having some TEA TEA tea and COOKIE cookies after DINNER DINNER dinner. I’m commissioning anyone and everyone to propose a NEW WORD or even bring back an OLD CLASSIC for “friend,” as it once was. Don’t try too hard—it might be impossible and then you’ll just give yourself a headache.
Friends are so important, aren’t they. I am told by various sources that people are not looking for friendly churches but for friends. The problem is that a lot of churches are trying to provide friendliness rather than encouraging us to be friends to those who would benefit.
Erwin McManus shares some really challenging stuff about stopping friendships with people like ourselves - that’s just love for ourselves - and to start being friends with those who aren’t like us.
I’m also having my eyes opened to the possibilities of forming friendships with people through the internet. What do you think? There are some very interesting thoughts in Brian Bailey’s book, ‘The Blogging Church’. Has anyone read this? A lot of what I’ve read above suggests that you are doing a lot of this.
ryan you are so clever you make my brain hurt sometimes